It was another unwelcome return to madness and bad form. The walls that surrounded me this morning were absolutely normal. No melting or facial expressions to be found on them. No, this morning was normal in every sense of the word.
But goddamn it, this can't go on. It's unpleasant to say the least, but that's not the point. It's the moral back bone, the principle - It's all about the fucking principles goddamn it! Listen to me! Dear reader the mind is a fragile device. Device is a word too inhumane to use in regard to the sapiens' mind. No, rather, the mind is a fragile system of relationships. Yes, relationships. Its relationship to itself, its dualisms of potential destruction, its own and those of others. It is influenced and affected by internal and external sources and phenomenon. Goddamn it, pay attention! This is important; we're here looking for one thing and one thing only - Enlightenment!
But does that even matter? In the end we all eat shit and die, no amount of fame worth its weight in gold and vanity can or ever will halt the process of systematic human removal. Every individual is nothing but the sum of his experiences. All this accumulation is self-undermining, as in the end we cancel ourselves out. Our lives are everything to us, as we are the one person we cannot live without, the one body and mind we cannot under any circumstances ever be parted with. Our very experience and the ability it grants is what signal our end.
Enlightenment! I wrote above. Do I mean it though? Am I truly after enlightenment? Many have tried, often with illegal narcotics or euphoric drugs. Can happiness then be a form of enlightenment? Perhaps, or rather, happiness is the enlightened understanding of an emotion in a specific situation, but then the same goes for sadness, madness and all other emotional gibberish. Madness, yes, is the appropriate reaction, the attuned response, to the world when the mind has become fully aware of it and rejected it as such in the wake of this event. A mind can never be aware of itself; just like a junkie it cannot become aware of its own habit. The conscious mind is an egotistical creature; it holds the belief that its shit is really thunder and gold and everything it extends its neuron threads to will transform and bend according to its will. It will, however, completely implode on itself as soon as it gets a good look at itself.
So, what am I getting at? I myself do not know for sure. This morning I awoke rather unpleasantly. I had a late night, fell asleep after 2am and woke up just shy of 7am. Less than 5 hours of sleep after a busy day and work. I was indeed feeling groggy as can be. But what had woken me at that hour? And what was keeping me from falling asleep once more and continue on with my slumber?
Dreams are vicious things. They are on par with masturbation, self-mutilation and self deception, but I repeat myself. This past night I dreamt, in the early hours, a rather malicious and sinister dream. I did this only to myself, and for this I curse my mind for not behaving as it should.
The details of this dream is not necessary for you at all dear reader, as I am sure many of you have had similar situations were a sleeping thoughts turn into painful reminders of just how quickly the mind can be crushed under its own weight.
It left me feeling crumbled; torn a bit. Doubt is always present in my life, as doubt is my mechanism to maintain humility. If I cannot know for sure, then I keep my opinions and preferences to myself until someone dares ask of me what I think. I'm not even sure of myself. In fact, I am very much against the idea of myself. What a cunt I am, eh? Maybe not, but doubting that I am a good, decent and perfectly likeable person allows me to attempt and try to be such a thing. But the same can also be said of me being an evil person. I'm just keeping my options and alternatives open; I can be both and neither of them at the exact same time. I am a dualism to the end. Okay, that did not sound humble at all; very well - I doubt that I am a dualism and now I shall strive to become a dualism. A dualism of something, but that is to be found and uncovered at a later time.
So, is this the end of this piece? Did I say anything concrete? You decide dear reader. And as always, damn that smile, it ruined my sleep this time round.
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