Here we are again. Some how I believe someone had already written that, and could have possibly even started with that sentence. But fuck it, right now I'm not aiming for originality.
I'm tired of being a nice guy. Nice here meaning of course the type of person who gets taken advantage of. Nice people are generally equipped with a high level of tolerance. We're the ones who get up at five in the morning to pick you up in another town and bring you home 'cause you got pissed and found yourself far away from any friendly zones. We're the ones who feel sorry, try and help and above all else, put up with your bullshit.
For all it means to be nice, it rather sucks. It's painful at times actually. Some easy and often clichéd examples are the over used situation of the nice guys never getting the girls. Girls dig jerks, apparently, but that is a lie. We only notice what we want to notice. That is the other problem with being a nice guy; never someone else's fault, always yours. Nice people tend to take unnecessary burdens for no reason. It's stupid.
Now, my issue with being nice is that I am too nice too often. I've been described as a nice guy, amongst other things, but great kid or great person usually just means the same as nice. For all that it is worth being nice there isn't a lot to show for it. My life has largely been lacking in some content. That some of it's my fault I won't deny. A lack of action, courage and a tendency to just do things have hampered and stunted some of my intentions.
The problem with being nice is a contradiction between action and effect. Not always, it should be clear, but where the nice person usually is concerned things go awry. Or at least on my part. I'm not the most optimistic person in the world, in fact, I'm rather indifferent. And yet still I'm a nice person. I'd help someone change a tyre, be polite, help someone with homework at my expense. But at the same time I'm rather vicious in social circles in that I can cause unwelcome confrontation. So maybe that's it, eh? I'm a nice guy to keep myself in equilibrium. I don't want to be utterly despised, so I try and counter my viciousness and malice with gestures of friendship and 'sweetness'. Sweetness is a word I rather hate. The word sweet itself is rather despicable. Dublin. Now there is a beautiful word.
I honestly don't know why I'm writing this. Guess I'm just feeling like ranting a bit. Not really too interested in other people, just a few.
My biggest issue right now is the one keeping me awake and working hard. But I'll leave it at that. All I can say it, that person makes me want to be a better person. Guess I've found to many faults with myself too often. Perhaps that's why I'm trying to learn a couple of languages, write and study; I view myself as not worthy of being anyone's, not even a friend. Mainly because I can't see what there is to value in myself. But let me make this clear; I not only like who I am I would have it no other way. Part of who I am is to constantly try and improve myself. Rather not improve myself, no, indeed not. Wrong word; I'm trying to broaden my interest and explore them. It's not improvement, it's self-satisfaction.
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