I've got a slight problem. It rams itself into me every now and again. Luckily it's not life threatening or vicious. Rather, it has a hold on me for a period of time and it struggles to keep that hold. From time to time, like all humans, I become depressed. Some times it simply comes from telling myself that I am depressed, that I can't get what I want and all that negative, self-undermining bullshit.
There is comfort in knowing that, most likely, by the next day it will all be gone. Not always, but most of the time it'll fade. The problem with that is though that I need to actually fall asleep. Depression wrestles and writhes against it quite fiercely and the nod remains allusive for hours. This extents the time I'm left alone with my thoughts, and they become drenched with misery, uncertainty and self-doubt and they weigh down heavy on my mind.
Now, I will never commit suicide. I'd almost say I don't believe in it, it doesn't work for me. It removes you from the problem, not the problem from you. It's a cowardly escape; you move more to its will than your own. You are driven to suicide.
The key to escaping its grip, depression's hold on our fragile threshold, is to counter it. If something strike you can strike back. Why not? Don't just lie there and take it. The way I see it, there is quick, euphoric releases; drugs work well in this department as does sex, I guess. These are our quick fixes. But you fall soon and you'll need to find it all again.
I'm putting my bets on eudaphoria. Hope I've spelled that right. No, I don't think that is a word, either way. Screw it, but I'll leave it there. What I'm going to argue for here is the slow type of euphoria, that building happiness. It comes as a surprise when you realize you're actually happy. Most of the time you're just lingering, apparently appearing, as if you're in a between state. Never too happy, never too sad. Of course there are always ups and downs, but they're no where near intense as the short burst mode counterpart. Rather, you realize you're happy one day, and it lingers for weeks, months. You build on it. You work hard, study, exercise and toil for this type.
I very much prefer to balance the two. Right now, I'm not really fulfilling either. I can satisfy both needs easily, but this is not the location for it. I enjoy studying as much as I enjoy spending time with friends, reading books and writing as much as I do watching football.
One of the things that makes me happy in an instant and in the longer run is studying languages, and at this moment Mandarin in particular. I still have wishes and a great desire to learn Japanese, but I have to save that for my later years, as right now there is hardly anyone to teach me.
Mandarin isn't too pleasant on the ear, and its structure is ridiculously easy for me to understand (no conjugations). I enjoy it very much, but I enjoy learning it and broadening my understanding of it. The way it is constructed, the written script and the rhythm. Yes, people, Mandarin has rhythm in it.
One more language I'm seriously considering is German. Nay, I'm not considering; I am going to learn German starting this year. I absolutely have to. It is important for me to get a head start with it as next year I want to do full German language studies at my varsity and in order for me to make the load lighter I want a head start. The more I can come to grip with it now the better.
And of course, there is the question, why German? German has its own aesthetics I enjoy. But that is all I can say right now, because I do not actually know the language as well as I'd like. I want to study German and gain a basic understanding of it so that I can have a deeper gauge of it; I want to find the beauty in it as I have with Mandarin and to some extent Japanese.
So, for the next six months this is my plan; learn German, better my Mandarin, get great grades for my philosophy modules and be a little more social. I'm tired of doubting myself, and I need this challenge to give me a hint of a strength. It's in the toughest of situations that we find ourselves and our potential, as clinched as that sounds.
Well, that's it from me for tonight. A bit more personal than usual, but hey, it's a blog, it's virtually an open diary,.
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